The Drama Triangle and power play: Are we healing or repeating patterns?
Power is intoxicating. Whether we’re wielding it, surrendering to it, or caught in the struggle for control, power dynamics shape our relationships, our kinks, and our deepest desires.
But here’s the real question: Are we using power play to break free from old patterns—or are we just acting them out on a new stage?
BDSM is built on power exchange. It’s raw, erotic, psychological. It lets us explore dominance, submission, punishment, praise, control, surrender—all the things society tells us we should repress. But if we’re not paying attention, our scenes and dynamics can become a mirror for the wounds we haven’t yet healed.
Which brings me to the Drama Triangle.
It’s a psychological model that explains the toxic power loops people get stuck in. And when you apply it to kink? The revelations are uncomfortable—but necessary.
Let’s dig in.
The Drama Triangle: The Roles We Play (Over and Over Again)
First identified by Dr. Stephen Karpman, the Drama Triangle describes a pattern of unhealthy relational dynamics. It’s like a fucked-up game of emotional hot potato, where we unconsciously cycle through three roles:
🔻 The Victim – “Why does this always happen to me?”
🔻 The Rescuer – “I’ll fix this for you.”
🔻 The Persecutor – “This is your fault.”
Sound familiar? It should. Because this triangle is everywhere—in vanilla relationships, workplaces, families, and, yes, BDSM dynamics.
At its core, the Drama Triangle is about avoiding responsibility for our own emotional landscape. Instead of processing our pain, we act it out—finding people to play complementary roles in the script we’ve been unconsciously running since childhood.
Now, does this mean all BDSM dynamics are unhealthy power loops? No. But without awareness, kink can reinforce the same cycles that keep us stuck.
BDSM and The Drama Triangle: Where Power Play Gets Twisted
Let’s be real: kink is full of big emotions, deep psychological wiring, and the potential to hit old wounds like a fucking sledgehammer.
So where do these roles show up in power play?
The Victim: “I have no power.”
The Victim in the Drama Triangle isn’t just someone in distress—they’re someone who believes they are powerless. They feel acted upon by others, by life, by fate. They crave rescue but reject true autonomy.
How it shows up in BDSM:
A submissive who believes their Dom is the only source of their worth, safety, or identity.
Someone who engages in extreme masochism or degradation not from a place of empowered consent, but because they believe they deserve to be hurt.
A person who stays in a toxic D/s dynamic because they think they can’t leave.
This isn’t submission—it’s self-abandonment.
Healthy submission requires agency. Surrender is a choice, not a sentence. If submission becomes a way to avoid responsibility for your emotional well-being, you’re not engaging in power exchange—you’re reenacting learned helplessness.
The Rescuer: “Let me save you.”
The Rescuer believes their role is to fix, heal, or save others—but this isn’t selfless. It’s an identity built on keeping others dependent. Rescuers need Victims to feel validated.
How it shows up in BDSM:
A Dominant who sees themselves as the savior of their submissive, rather than their partner.
Someone who takes on a “service Top” role but never enforces boundaries, because they feel responsible for their partner’s emotional state.
A submissive who constantly tries to “heal” their Dom’s wounds, at the cost of their own well-being.
Sound noble? It’s not. Rescuers don’t empower—they enable.
In BDSM, a Dom’s role is not to be their sub’s therapist. A sub’s role is not to be their Dom’s emotional crutch. True power exchange is about shared responsibility, not emotional codependency.
The Persecutor: “This is your fault.”
The Persecutor dominates through blame, control, and punishment—not in a consensual, sexy way, but from a place of anger and insecurity. They avoid vulnerability by making others feel small.
How it shows up in BDSM:
A Dom who uses kink to control their sub in ways that extend beyond the scene—financially, emotionally, socially—without consent.
A partner who weaponizes a power dynamic, using rules and punishments as an excuse to be emotionally abusive.
A submissive who turns cold, cruel, or manipulative to test their Dom’s authority.
This isn’t power exchange—it’s power imbalance.
A Dom who constantly blames their sub for “making them” react a certain way? A sub who provokes their Dom to get attention? That’s the Drama Triangle playing out in latex and cuffs.
Breaking the Cycle: Conscious Kink & The Empowerment Triangle
So if the Drama Triangle keeps us stuck, how do we get out?
The answer: Flip the script.
Instead of the Drama Triangle, we shift to The Empowerment Triangle, developed by David Emerald. The roles change:
✅ Victim → Creator – “I take responsibility for my needs.”
✅ Rescuer → Coach – “I support, but I don’t fix.”
✅ Persecutor → Challenger – “I hold boundaries with respect.”
What does this look like in BDSM?
From Victim to Creator: Owning Your Submission
You recognize that submission is your choice, your power, your desire.
You stop looking for a Dom to "save" you and start seeking partners who respect your agency.
You learn to articulate your limits—not just endure what happens.
From Rescuer to Coach: Leading with Respect
If you’re a Dom, you guide—not "fix." You let your sub own their own emotions, while providing structure and support.
If you’re a sub, you stop trying to “heal” your Dom. You hold space, but you don’t take on their burdens.
You recognize that true service isn’t about self-sacrifice—it’s about self-awareness.
From Persecutor to Challenger: Power with, not power over
As a Dom, you hold space for vulnerability instead of controlling through fear.
As a sub, you communicate instead of lashing out or testing limits in destructive ways.
You see power as a tool for transformation—not manipulation.
The Takeaway: Power Play as a Tool for Healing
Kink can be a magnifying glass for our deepest wounds—or it can be a crucible for transformation. The difference? Awareness.
If we keep running the same toxic loops, if we keep mistaking control for dominance, victimhood for submission, codependency for devotion—we aren’t evolving. We’re just playing out the same patterns in latex and rope.
But when we step off the Drama Triangle, when we own our desires, communicate our needs, and engage in conscious power exchange—that’s when BDSM becomes more than just play.
That’s when it becomes alchemy.
So ask yourself: Are you breaking free? Or are you just repeating the script?
